Superman's Father Dies...Again

Glenn Ford, the man who portayed Jonathan Kent in the original Superman movie has passed away. Ford was 90. Apparently, he was in other movies. Who knew?

My favorite Jonathan Kent line from the movie (after noticing that young Clark Kent has been showing off a little):

" I know. You can do all these amazing things, and sometimes you think that you will BURST WIDE OPEN unless you can tell someone about it, don't you?... There's one thing I know for sure, son. And that is, YOU ARE HERE FOR A REASON. I don't know what it is, exactly, but I do know this much: it's NOT to score touchdowns."

Ford delivered that line perfectly.

Exclusive Pics

Last week I posted that current Superman Brandon Routh was getting engaged. Random Troy reader Ray Raquipiso was able to snap some exclusive pics from the engagement party.





I guess he likes Lois with a little Asian flair.

Recovery

Hey Everyone!!

Sorry about the infrequency of the posts this week. I'm still recovering from my birthday celebration, so I won't have any headlines or stories to comment about today. I promise to be back on the job tomorrow!!

Thanks to everyone who celebrated my birthday with me last night. I had a blast! Except for the concert. Counting Crows was such a disappointment.

Since technically today is my birthday, I'm sure I'll be celebrating a little more this evening. As always, everyone is welcome to join me!!

Price of Admission

In case some of you need a ticket.

You Say It's Your What?

Hey Everyone!

On Monday I'm having a BBQ to commemorate the anniversary of my squeezing out of my Mom's vaginal canal (good times). This is an open invite to all readers who live in the greater Virginia Beach area. The festivities begin at 5pm and continue with the Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls concert at 7pm and finish back at the house until the small hours. If you wish to go to the concert, lawn seats are only $25. My address is 1993 Monument Dr, Virginia Beach, VA 23464. If you need directions, Google Maps is the best (double true)!!

I hope everyone can make it!!

Pairings

Osama Bin Laden, the world's most wanted man, is smitten with Whitney Houston, the world's least desirable woman. According to this story, Osama wants to kill Bobby Brown and convert Whitney to Islam. Then they will get married and set up cave somewhere. Rid the world of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston? Can't seem to find a downside to this scenario. In fact, the U.S. government should be helping Osama with realizing his dream. I mean really, what greater punishment could we inflict on the man than having to live with Whitney Houston? And, we get rid of Bobby Brown too? It's the greatest love of all.

In other tidings of great joy, Brandon Routh, the newest incarnation of Superman, is engaged.

Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz, and Kenan Thompson are leaving SNL. It's too bad since Parnell and Sanz were the two funniest cast members since Rachel Dratch and Tina Fey left last season. To commemorate their leaving, I give you Lazy Sunday!!

Splits

Paramount is parting ways with Tom Cruise. Apparently his off-screen antics are too controversial for the studio. Excuse me while I go laugh hysterically in the corner. Too controversial? This from the studio that brought us Team America:World Police which feature puppets having graphic sex and defecating on each other (love that scene and the movie). Jumping on a couch seems rather vanilla compared to that. And criticising Brooke Shields on The Today Show for using anti-depressants? I say if you have any chance to punk Brooke Shields, especially after giving us Brenda Starr and Suddenly Susan, take it. So he loves Scientology and wants everyone to know about it. Sad? Yes. Controversial? No. It's actually more controversial to carry the Bible nowadays. Imagine if someone wrote a script treatment about these events and tried to sell it to Paramount. I believe the meeting would go something like this:

Studio: So Tom jumps up and down on a couch while professing his love? Are there snakes on the couch?...No? I think we should put snakes on the couch...and Brooke Shields. How about this? Tom is jumping up and down on Brooke Shields on a couch with snakes, screaming "I love you Katie Holmes!!" Then he defecates on Brooke Shields. Check that, I just had an epiphany. Let's substitute Jesus Christ for Tom Cruise. So Jesus is jumping up and down on Brooke Shields on a couch with snakes, screaming "I love you Katie Holmes!!" Then he defecates on Brooke Shields...fade to black... and scene.

I saw you Ricky Bubbiee!

Watched Talladega Nights finally. My assessment? I laughed throughout the entire movie and that's what a good comedy should do. Just like a good porno should make you want to pleasure yourself; a good romantic comedy should make a woman want to pleasure her boyfriend or husband; and a good Woody Allen film should make you feel small and inadequate. So , I definitely recommend this movie.

Still going to see Little Miss Sunshine sometime this week.

Have you seen this kid?

Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

I'm Brissed!!!

An open letter to my parents.

Hey Mom and Dad! There's something I've been meaning to discuss with you for sometime now. Dad, I know you're dead, but I'm not going to let that technicality stop me. I've been internalizing my anger about this subject for too long and I can't hold it back any longer. Let's talk infant mutilation or as most people know it-circumcision. More specifically, my circumcision. Why do we still practice this barbaric ritual? I realize that Jews get circumcised because of their covenant with God and I respect that. But hey, as you well know, I'm not Jewish! I'm hasian(half-asian)! Therefore I need every bit of the genital real estate you gave to me. But no, you want to be an indian giver and take some back... with a knife. Another item I need elucidation on. Most children get circumcised as an infant. In your infinite wisdom, you decided my penis, like a fine bordeaux, should age 6 years before being popped open. I remember coming out of the anesthesia and looking at my exposed penis. It was black and blue and crusty. It seemed as if the doctor had cut off my penis and replaced it with a piece of poo. Oh, and the fun didn't end there. Once I got home, a cream had to be rubbed on my poo friend every couple of hours. Mom did a wonderful job at that. How was I supposed to walk away from that experience emotionally unscarred?

Why would you mess with Mother Nature? That foreskin is there for a reason. For one, it acts as a nozzle to ensure that my pee goes where I aim my penis. Without that nozzle, my urine has a mind of it's own. Especially in the morning. It goes left or right. Sometimes both directions at the same time. It's shot straight up on a few occasions and I had the pleasure of a taste. Thanks!!
The foreskin also gives an extra layer of padding for the sensitive tip of the head. I guarantee I could go an extra 3 to 5 seconds in bed if I had that foreskin back.

So Mom and Dad, thanks for the therapy sessions, the unique culinary experiences, and the ridicule from members of the opposite sex.

Your loving Son,

Troy

Can Hezbollah come out and play?

Israel and Lebanon are still making nice-sort of. Israel launched a raid into Lebanon which some people believe was meant to incite Hezbollah into retaliation and break the cease fire. Hezbollah's official response was

"Rockets and bullets may break my bones but...uh ... raids will never...hurghh(must keep control)...hurt...F this!! Die Jewish dogs!!"

Snakes are Plain-Weekend Roundup

So, Snakes On a Plane had a rather tepid opening. It was number one for the weekend but at $15.25 million, not quite what the analysts expected. Anyone see it?

Little Miss Sunshine came in 7th with $5.7 million. I will have a review of this film sometime this week.

Here are the box office figures for the weekend.

Estimated ticket sales for Friday through Sunday at U.S. and Canadian theaters, according to Exhibitor Relations Co. Inc. Final figures will be released Monday.

1. "Snakes on a Plane," $15.25 million.
2. "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby," $14.1 million.
3. "World Trade Center," $10.8 million.
4. "Accepted," $10.1 million.
5. "Step Up," $9.9 million.
6. "Barnyard: The Original Party Animals," $7.5 million.
7. "Little Miss Sunshine," $5.7 million.
8. "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," $5 million.
9. "Material Girls," $4.6 million.
10. "Pulse," $3.5 million.
___

A Little Sunshine

One movie I am definitely watching this weekend is Little Miss Sunshine. Great cast and great buzz from Sundance. If you see it, let me know your thoughts on the film. Here is the trailer.

Snake Fiction

If any of you are unfamiliar with the internet phenomenon that is Snakes On a Plane, read this story which chronicles the amazing fan base of a movie that no one has seen yet!

I definitely have an interest in seeing this movie. Mostly because of the Samuel L. Jackson factor. He seems like a bad-ass in this film, and nobody does bad-ass better than Samuel L. Jackson. Here is an exclusive transcript of some dialogue from Snakes On a Plane between Jackson's character and another passenger.

Jules: What does an Inland Taipan snake look like?
Brett: What?
Jules: What country you from?
Brett: What?
Jules: What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Brett: What?
Jules: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Describe what an Inland Taipan snake looks like!
Brett: What, I-?
Jules: [pointing his gun] Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.
Brett: It's brown or olive.
Jules: Go on.
Brett: It's got b-b-black markings on the head...
Jules: Does it look like a bitch?
Brett: What? [Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]
Jules: DOES THE INLAND TAIPAN SNAKE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
Brett: No!
Jules: Then why you try to fuck it like a bitch, Brett?
Brett: I didn't.
Jules: Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to fuck it. And the Inland Taipan snake don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.

Welcome to McDonald's! Can I take your tude?

I guess Ashlee Simpson likes those McGriddle Sandwiches as much as I do. Except I'm not gonna climb over the counter to grab one.

Material Girl Turns 48

Madonna's birthday is today. Or if you're keeping more with the Talmud, today is the anniversary of when she was molded from clay. I wonder if she was molded by Demi Moore.

We give you Bruno Kirby...Don't piss him off!

Actor Bruno Kirby has passed away from complications related to leukemia(I think the complication was leukemia). You may remember him as young Pete Clemenza from The Godfather Part 2 or as Jess in When Harry Met Sally.My favorite Kirby role is as Ed Furillo in City Slickers. (image)
He has the second best line in a film that has a lot of great lines. The best line in the movie is Curly's "I crap bigger n' you." Followed by Kirby's classic line "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?" You will be missed.

Solar System Sprawl

Apparently the Solar System isn't big enough. Some astronomers want to open up our cosmic ports to a new wave of planet immigrants. These astronomers want to expand our little corner of the universe to 12 planets. I guess 9 isn't enough. They're not even real planets. They're called plutons. They're round like planets, but smaller. So here's my beef. Why can't we put real planets into the Solar System instead of these 2nd class planets? These plutons don't pay interplanetary taxes because, hey, they're not real planets!. So, they become a burden on the galactic economy. These astronomers say that there aren't enough real planets to fill these positions. I just think these astronomers are too lazy to look for some real planets. They gaze in their telescopes and say "hmm, somewhat spherical. Ok you're in!" Soon any old asteroid that has a curve somewhere will be allowed into the Solar System.
The new entries are called Charon, Ceres, and Xena and the order of the planets would be Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, Charon, and Xena. If these plutons are let in, I would have to memorize a new sentence to remember the order of the planets. My current sentence is:

My Very Educated Mom Just Showed Us Nine Planets

With the new planets, the only sentence I could come up with was:

My Very Epileptic Mortician Cannot Just Sew Up Nine People Calmly Xinghua!

How does that make sense? So write your congressman and stop these wacko astronomers from destroying our Solar System. Keep our planetary system for the planets!!!

Youtube-WTF mate?

YouTube was down for several hours yesterday due to a database glitch. During the outage, none of my embedded videos was viewable. Sorry for empty gaps in the posts. YouTube is back up, so you should be able to view the clips now.

Speaking of YouTube, I received an email from them informing me that the Space: The Infinite Frontier video I posted was violating the DMCA(Digital Millenium Copyright Act) and NBC requested that I take it down immediately. So you can no longer see that clip. Maybe I'll just shoot my own version of the skit. Anyone know someone that looks like Jeff Goldblum?

Magic Part Duex

Hollywood is going the prestidigitation route. A few movies are coming out soon that deal with magic.

Speaking of magic.

I never get tired listening to that lady scream.

Looks like Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson have lost their magic.

But the Dodgers still have theirs!!

I need a little magic(pills) to keep my eyes open this morning. So, I'm going to take a little break. But I leave you with a clip of my favorite magician.

Koreans get drunk?

Apparently, there is a phone with a breathalyzer (thanks for the research Michele). It's also a karaoke machine which seems to be a paradox. Don't you have to be drunk to do karaoke? Strangely, it's also a universal remote which guarantees you will lose it somewhere in your living room. It's also only available in Korea with no plans to bring it to the U.S. yet. Why only in Korea? Koreans don't even drink. They're too busy making our Nikes.

Ok. Now some headlines.

Halle Berry is 40. It's amazing! She doesn't look a day over 39.

Did you see Talladega Nights this weekend? Apparently, alot of people did. The big surprise to me is Step Up coming in at number 2. To be fair, I haven't seen the film, but it seems like your formulaic tough guy learns to dance from sweet, innocent girl. Yawn.

No More DWIs

Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

If your weekend was like mine, you probably had one too many drinks( if it was exactly like mine, you were incontinent as well). And if you were under a haze of hefeweizen and tequila, I hope you didn't DWI. I don't mean driving while intoxicated. Something infinitely worse-dialing while intoxicated. Yes, those little gems of weakness. We've all done it. Alcohol induced lapses of good judgement and self-digninty that result in a phone call to an ex or cute co-worker. No matter how hard you try to veil the call as a "friendly check-up", it still screams lonely, pathetic, desperateness. If you're lucky, the other person won't pick up and you won't try again in 5 minutes. However, if it's been an extremely productive night and you traded in your bud lights for jaeger bombs, you leave the DVM-drunken voicemail. Stellar! Now your shame and humiliation can live forever and with the push of a few buttons can be replayed for the amusement of friends and co-workers.

Now, I just ordered a new cell phone last week. It can play mp3s, take photos, record video, give directions, and taps when I'm done peeing. But will it prevent me from a DWI? That's a negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full. Is it so hard to have a breathalyzer integrated into a cell phone? We should be able to breathe into the mouthpiece and if we blow above a .08 then the phone prevents you from calling someone for an hour. That's not so hard is it Motorola? You can give it a catchy name like the Padd- the phone against drunk dialing. Nokia, I'm tasking you.

Drinking Buddies

Robin Williams is "drinking again" and going to rehab. It must be the posh thing for celebs to do this month. Why is it that celebs get drunk and crazy they go to rehab? When your average citizen gets drunk and crazy, usually one of these things happens:

1. You wake up the next day with an Adolf Hitler Mustache sharpied to your upper lip(women)
2. You wake up the next day with your entire body shaved(men)
3. You beg every girl present to have sex with you despite the fact you have "Mommy" issues and the libido and stamina of a gnat(me)
   

You're on Notice