Transformers Review

OK. I just saw Transformers. A movie I've been both greatly anticipating and dreading at the same time. I've been anticipating this movie because I grew up watching the Transformers after school. I used to do a bad rendition of the "transforming sound" whenever I changed clothes or became a Plymouth Valiant. I saw the original animated feature film in the theater and even got a little misty when Optimus Prime died. Naturally, my brain nearly exploded with joy when I heard that Steven Spielberg was producing a live action adaptation of the series. Then my brain nearly melted in disgust when I learned that Michael Bay was going to direct the film.

Here is a list of things that Michael Bay likes:

• Quick cuts
• Big explosions
• Mega babes
• Big explosions
• Big budgets
• Big explosions

Here are the things that Michael Bay doesn't like:

• Character development
• One camera takes
• Budgets under $100 million
• Logical plotlines

I was still willing to give Mr. Bay a chance at redemption with the Transformers. Unfortunately, he lives up to his usual forms. First let me tell you what I enjoyed about the movie. The visual effects are first rate. The giant robots blend seamlessly with the backgrounds and the human actors much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. It's amazing to watch the the Autobots or Decepticons actually transform (complete with the signature transforming sound). I actually got goosebumps when Optimus Prime made his first transformation. The movie has big action sequences (including an awesome opening sequence) that are full of loud explosions and massive property destruction.

Aside from this eye candy, there is really nothing else. The movie really fails when the humans are on the screen. Unlike their CGI counterparts, the human actors really have no material to work with. Shia LeBeouf plays the geeky Sam Witwicky who is linked to the Transformers because of a discovery his Great-Great Grandfather made in the Artic Circle. Uber-hottie Megan Fox plays Mikeala Banes, the bad girl object of Sam's affection. Her main contribution to the movie is being smoking hot while looking under the hood of a car. Jon Voigt chews up some scenery as the Secretary of Defense and Jon Turturro has the unenviable role of some silly secret government organization stooge.
There is another ridiculous subplot involving Rachael Taylor as a computer analyst and Anthony Anderson as her computer hacker friend. I don't even want to go into Josh Duhamel's role as a Special Forces captain trying to see his newborn daughter for the first time (altogether now....awwww, that's so touching!) Really, the human actors block this film like cheese in my lower intestine. There is even a point when Michael Bay interrupts the action to have a woman scream in slow motion. At least she had great cleavage.

However, in spite of how cool the Transformers look on the screen, even they get to be (dare I say it?) cartoony. Their dialog
is strictly Saturday morning kids fare and the action scenes become uneven. I honestly think that Michael Bay just wanted to destroy as much real estate as possible and make me dizzy at the same time. There is also a ridiculous scene where the Autobots are trying to hide in the backyard of Sam's house.

So, should you see this film? It is hella cool to see giant robots duke it out on the big screen and Megan Fox is the ultimate goddess of sexy. You just have to put up with all the crap in between. If that's enough for you, then you should definitely "transform and roll out" to the nearest multiplex.